asked a rather intriguing question several months ago: if you got to have your own action figure--one that's Totally Fucking Sweet, not a crappy bit of plastic stuck in a Happy Meal--what would your accessories be?
I think mine would come with the following standard clothing and accessories:
- Big purse filled with two books, a DVD and several CDs
- Fun knee-high socks
- Some kind of cooking implement in my hand--a wooden spoon? A silicone spatula? An egg whisk? A santoku?
- Mary Janes
- Visually punny Threadless T-shirt
Optional accessories/alternate outfits:
- Pirate gear
- Glam drag
- Zombie drag
- Knee-high boots
- Pajama pants in obnoxious colors (pink polka dots! blue and yellow leopard print! blue with rubber duckies!)
- In the winter: Ubiquitous black puffy jacket (covered with cat hair for X-tra Verisimilitude)
- Leopard-print pimp hat
- Cats, complete with realistic shedding hair
- Double-stacked bookshelves
Pull my string and hear me say:
- Something completely filthy
- About your mom
- And her unnatural love for shaved small mammals, the whore
- Bits of arcana related to feline biochemistry
- Bits of arcana related to biology and nutrition in general
- Observations about semi-obscure bands
- Occasionally interspersed with "I've heard of them, but haven't actually heard anything by them."
- "Oh, man, I'm so hungry."
- "I just need to take a quick nap."
- "I feel like baking something."
- Monty Python quotes
- Book recommendations
- The occasional screamingly awful malapropism or mistake (last night, I referred to Catullus as a Greek--seriously, WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BRAIN SOMETIMES? Reedies, feel free to beat me over the head with your copies of your favorite classical works the next time you see me.)
- Random analyses of fictional narratives
Instead of kung-fu grip, I'd have:
- Tackle-pounce-hug powers
- The ability to tip over and fall for no apparent reason
- A built-in butter dispenser
How would YOU be equipped as an action figure?